Writing is therapy for the busy mind

I was a member of Baby Centre a good few years before I plucked up the courage to write a journal, but when I finally did I found it quite therapeutic. A few months later a friend said they were thinking of starting a blog focussing on their passion for food, sourcing it, cooking it, eating it... This got me thinking, maybe I would start a blog too, not because I had a passion like theirs but because I had a lot to say on a certain subject that has ruled my life for over 6 years now.  The fact I've always liked writing is just a bonus. I should have listened to my parents all those years ago and studied journalism... hindsight's a marvellous thing.

I created my blog.  As I typed out my first post, everything that'd been whirring round my mind for years came flowing out.  The hurt, the anger, the frustration, and the all too few joyous moments on this journey.  I sometimes forget I've only been blogging a few months, it feels like I've been doing it for years.  I couldn't imagine not blogging now, it's my therapy.

Infertile? Me?

"An infertile person, animal or plant cannot reproduce"

I've been writing and re-writing this blog post for the best part of two weeks now but just can't seem to find the words for what I want to say.  However, this week is National Infertility Awareness week so I guess it's kind of fitting that I post this now.  Maybe I'll come back to it in time and add more to it...

In my more naive days I believed infertile to mean one or other partner, or perhaps both, were incapable of conceiving a child naturally, or even with medical assistance.  I now know the term "infertile" encompasses more than that.  However, I have to say it doesn't sit comfortably with me in my feelings of our own situation - "unexplained infertility".

Max and I have had tests which show we're both hunky dory in the sperm vs egg department, and I definitely ovulate without assistance - yes I'm now on Clomid but to help shorten my cycles not make me ovulate.  We've fallen pregnant twice without any drugs, the fact it took us 5 years to get there and that those pregnancies didn't work out is now by the by.  In my mind, and I'm sure in Max's mind, we're not infertile.  We're a youngish couple that, for whatever reason, the time wasn't right for our baby before.

4 lost pregnancies - 2 pregnancies without medical intervention, 2 pregnancies with, but why does that make me infertile?  I CAN conceive, my body, for whatever reason, just decides to reject the pregnancies.  To label me, or indeed us, infertile makes me feel like there's no hope for us and that we'll be forced to carry that label through life. "Look there goes that couple, so sad, they're infertile you know, no children or grandchildren"....  Ok, that's probably highly unlikely to happen but during those down days, that's how I see it, and I guess to a degree it makes me feel ashamed and a failure, afterall having children is supposed to be one of the most natural things in life.  I know I have no need to feel that way but that's just how it is.  Then when the probing from well meaning acquaintences starts I wish I could just stand up and say "you know what, my husband and I are in the unexplained infertility category, might be lucky enough to have kids naturally, might not be, might need IVF, might not"... I don't know who would squirm more, me or them but I'm sure it would shut them up!! 

**sigh** I'm infertile, maybe accepting that is the first step towards a healthy pregnancy.... I can hope.

Vacation or Staycation?

After trawling the internet for holidays last month and whittling it down to a top 3 or 4, we may in fact be having a staycation.  It's not 100% definite, and I haven't told Max my idea yet, but I'm trying to think sensibly and save money (for once!) - my car seems to be on it's way out and will need replacing sooner rather than later; business for the company I work for isn't going great in this economic climate and given that I escaped redundancy last year, if things don't pick up I may not be so lucky this year; and of course I'm saving for when my maternity pay reduces to nothing (forward planning again!).

A "staycation" - a period in which an individual or family stays and relaxes at home, possibly taking day trips to area attractions - seems the way forward.  To be honest I hadn't even heard that term until last week and that's when it got me thinking....  Looking out the window at the rain, I'm thinking a "staycation" in May in the UK is never going to be the same as a week in a hot country, with warm waters and golden sand (why am I considering this?! oh yeh, I'm being sensible!), but our area alone has a lot to offer for days out over the course of a week.  Sadly not a golden beach, and highly unlikely to reach a temperature in the 30s, but lots of historical places to see, beautiful little villages, plenty of shopping (like I need more time to shop!), only 20 minutes into London by train, and of course would also allow us to spend quality time with our Godchildren.  It also means we don't need to cajole friends or family into cat sitting for us.  I'm definitely seeing the positives of this type of holiday, though as I gaze out the window at the rain again, it's a struggle not to rush home, grab my passport and head to the nearest airport in search of sunnier climbs.

Weather in blighty aside, I'm now thinking Hampton Court, Windsor Castle, the Natural History Museum, perhaps a mid-week show or concert instead of the pyramids at Giza, the Sphinx and so forth.... Planning hat firmly back on, and I'll update on whether the vacation or staycation wins in due course! 

Starting over, again

After what has felt like an eternity since the miscarriage, we find ourselves here again - starting over.  It gets harder every time, but no matter how hard this journey is, we won't ever give up on having our take home baby.  So, with that in mind, we now begin Clomid cycle number 3 - third time lucky perhaps?? 

So far we've had a 100% success rate at falling pregnant whilst taking Clomid, we just need to have 100% success in staying pregnant... If this cycle follows the previous two, I should be testing around when our next appointment with Dr "James" is due.  Obviously I'll be seeing him with good news and hoping that I'll be able to get early scans etc arranged through him rather than having to see the GP and then wait weeks before hearing anything from the hospital of our choice.  How's that for PMA and forward thinking eh!  If we don't have our BFP by then, well at least I can explain to him what's happened since our last appointment in January and hopefully still get put into place a system whereby I'm not left worrying and waiting weeks for a scan, before biting the bullet and paying for it myself. 

Also as we don't seem to have heard anything about the recurrent miscarriage appointment, maybe Dr "James" will be able to arrange any necessary tests or get the referral pushed through for us, or maybe just advise on what we/I should be doing or taking to help avoid another miscarriage...  I've read things about low progesterone (I've no idea if I have this) and being given Progesterone suppositories to help support the pregnancy; or taking low dose Aspirin but I'm certainly not going to self-medicate especially as I'm all too aware of what Aspirin can do to a person.  As always I'll be looking for answers.

So here we are, starting over, again...

Lemon and Poppy Seed cake

I think I've mentioned previously that I enjoy cooking, I find it therapeutic, especially baking.  I recently stumbled across a recipe for a Lemon and Poppy Seed cake which is delicious and moist, and won't last long once you taste it!  You should get 10-12 slices from this recipe.

50g poppy seeds
185ml warm milk
220g caster sugar
200g unsalted butter, softened
3 large eggs
300g self-raising flour
1 lemon, juiced and rind grated
300g icing sugar

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees (160 degrees fan oven).  Lightly grease a 20x10cm loaf pan (although I used a loose bottom round cake tin). 

Combine the poppy seeds and warm milk in a bowl and set aside.  Combine the caster sugar and 185g of the butter until light and fluffy.  Mix in the eggs.  Fold in the flour, alternating with the poppy seed and milk mix.  Finally stir in the lemon rind.

Pour the mixture into the pan and bake in the oven for about 40 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean. Turn onto a wire rack to cool.

Whilst the cake is cooling, melt the remaining butter and place in a bowl with the icing sugar and lemon juice, mix until smooth.  If the icing is too thick add some warm water, a tablespoon at a time, until the desired consistency is reached.  Drizzle the icing over the cake.  Enjoy!



Easter weekend

The long Easter weekend was very welcome for Max and I, the first time in a long time that we've had a lay-in and on 4 days in a row too!  Normally our cats would be knocking on the bedroom door (ok it's more a dragging the pads of their paws down the door but it's an irritating noise all the same) at 5.30am (the time Max gets up during the week for work) to remind us it's time for their breakfast, but even they took advantage of the long weekend and were quiet until gone 8am!

It was a busy but relaxed weekend - some shopping and gardening on Friday, a meal out for my brother's birthday Saturday evening after a day of housework, Sunday was spent at my cousin's seeing my Dad's side of the family most of whom I've not seen since Dad's funeral so was lovely to catch up with them, and Monday was a day of relaxation...

On Sunday I got to see my third cousin, now 2 and a half years old, who I'd not seen since she was a few weeks old.  A proper little girl now, shy at first but then was happily chatting away to anyone that would listen.  She asked me to help her with her sticker book, and later read her a bedtime story, although I read her three but didn't actually finish one!  Sitting in the armchair reading to her, I blocked out the room full of people and had a perfect image of reading a bedtime story to my own child/children some day.  It's moments like that which are so precious, that make me so happy but so sad at the same time.  I can't wait for Max and I to have those moments all the time.

Saracens vs Harlequins

My plans for Saturday had been to pop into our nearest town, go to the post office and bank, and to have a look for a couple of birthday presents.  My actual Saturday turned out to be a trip to Wembley Stadium to watch the rugby!...  Max had gone for a drink in our local Friday night, one of the regulars had a couple of tickets to watch Saracens vs Harlequins but due to his son being unwell he couldn't go, so he was giving his tickets away to anyone that wanted them, for free, and Max (and I) were the lucky recipients! 

So, mid-morning off we set for Wembley.  Thankfully, Mrs Organised that I am, I'd checked the trains after Max arrived home and thrust the tickets into my hand at gone midnight and worked out our route.  If I hadn't we'd have ended up on a 2 hour replacement bus journey to Marylebone before the train to the Stadium... instead we had a wonderfully smooth journey and now I know how easy it is to get there I'll be booking tickets to another event at the stadium/arena!

After a "pat down" for Max and a bag search for me we made our way up the escalators into the stadium and to our seats, which were definitely in the nosebleed section but hey they were free so we're not complaining!  I thought Max was being romantic, putting his arm around me, turns out he was just steadying himself after realising how high up we were and how steep it was!

As we sat waiting for the pre-match show, I couldn't help but notice how quiet and empty the stadium was, although it did fill up quickly just before kick-off (is that the correct term for rugby?!) and there was apparently a record crowd for a league match at a bit over 83,000 people!!  However, even with that number of people it remained pretty quiet, which suprised me, I thought the atmosphere would be much more intense... maybe people were too cold to get too excited (after the lovely weather last week it was a shock to the system for it to be sooo cold!), or maybe the situation in this country right now had an effect... who knows, all I know is I felt sorry for the Rock Choir, McFly and the London 2012 Ambassadors that were on before the match as nobody really clapped or cheered, or joined in with the Ambassadors requests.., what a miserable lot!!

The match started and I really didn't have a clue what was going on, constantly whispering to Max to explain what was happening!!  I knew what a scrum was and a try but that's my limit, so maybe not the best person to take to a big rugby match but I enjoyed myself nonetheless.  As Saracens are closest to where we live I supported them, though I have to say (if there's any Saracens fans reading this please don't shoot me, it's just my opinion) even with my limited knowledge of the game, I thought they played pretty poorly.  They didn't seem to get "stuck in" and really try or defend, so it wasn't surprising that the score ended as Saracens 19 - Harlequins 24. 

Would I go to a rugby match again, definitely!  We had a good day, it was something a bit different for us to go to, at least together anyway, and next time I'll remember my scarf and gloves...