8 days past ovulation

At 7 dpo I usually start my symptom spotting, but this cycle I've so far experienced none, not even sore boobs (no matter how much I prod them) which is unusual for me at this stage but maybe that in itself is a symptom??  But what is it about 8 dpo that turns me in to a woman possessed?!

I know that it's far too early for a positive pregnancy test and yet I still have to test.  Every cycle's the same, I tick along nicely then I reach 8 dpo and bam, something goes off in my brain and tells me I MUST test, and it's never first thing in the morning where there's a very minute chance it could be positive this early.  Oh no, it's when I get in from work, and even if there was a super slim chance, any of the hormone that would be present would have been flushed out when I went to the loo less than an hour before arriving home!  Tonight I stood in the bathroom with the test in my hand, telling myself "don't be so silly, you know it'll be negative" as I ripped open the packet which of course meant I had to use it otherwise it'd be a waste.

So here begins the poas frenzy until the witch shows up (please please please don't let her get me this time), all I can say is thank goodness for eBay and those internet cheapies!

A lovely day

On Saturday I met up with some of the lovely ladies from my Baby Centre board.  In some ways it was like going on a first date, not knowing what to wear, not knowing how we'd get on, would we recognise each other from our Facebook pictures, or would we be stood up!!  On the flip side it also felt like I was meeting up with old friends, we may not have seen each other face to face before but with the nature of the board we all know a lot about each other, the most intimate details of our lives. 

Nervously I walked to our meeting place, one of the other ladies was already there, I gave a smile thinking I hope this is who I'm meeting and not some random woman who now thinks she's got a nutter approaching her!  Thankfully I'd got it right!  One by one the ladies arrived and we went into the pub for a drink.  Being naturally shy I know I wasn't overly forthcoming with conversation but the conversation didn't stop, not just about TTC, in fact I don't think we really touched on that subject 'til we sat down to eat a few hours later!

I'd gone thinking we'd probably be out for a couple of hours, but it really was like catching up with old friends, and it was 5 hours later before we said our goodbyes!  I can't wait for the next meet up xx

Dad

I meant to post this on Friday, but I couldn't.  I couldn't clear my head enough to be able to write.

Friday, 27th January 2012 marked the second anniversary of Dad's death.  I can't believe it's 2 years already, the time has gone so fast, yet I can still remember that day like it was yesterday, in fact I can still remember the whole week from when Dad was admitted to hospital right up to that moment.  Although I try not to think about it, and try to remember only the good memories, I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Do you ever get over the death of a parent (or anyone you love so much)?  I can't say I have, but maybe it's still early days for me, or maybe it's something that you never get over but you learn to cope with...  For me, since Dad died, coping is not thinking about it.  I want to talk to Dad so much, it's probably one of the things I miss the most, our chats.  My husband says I should just talk to him in my head and that he does all the time especially if things are going wrong on a job at work, he'll ask my Dad for advice.  I have tried to but every time I get too upset and end up giving up on what I want to say, maybe in time this will get easier...

I had so much more I wanted to say on this post but I'm struggling to get my words out so I think I'll end here.

I miss you Dad xxx

Yum yum!

When I'm not obsessing about having a baby (pretty rare to be honest) I love to cook, especially baking and desserts so I thought I'd share a recipe for a dessert I made to take to my Mum's on Christmas Day.  If I can work out how to, I'll try to post a pic of it...  It's a dessert that if you like cheesecake, you'll love it, and if you like indulgent desserts, you'll love it.  Definitely no calories counted in this one!

Malt Chocolate Cheesecake

200g malted milk biscuits, crushed to crumbs

100g salted butter, melted

5 tbsp caster sugar

2 x 300g tubs full fat soft cheese (I used Philadelphia; if you use soft or cream cheese from a deli counter the cheesecake might not set)

300ml pot double cream

300g white chocolate, melted

200g bar milk chocolate, melted

2 tbsp malt or Horlicks powder

37g bag white Maltesers (I couldn't find any white Maltesers so substituted with giant chocolate buttons).

Line base and sides of a deep, 22-23cm loose-bottomed round tin with baking parchment. Mix the biscuits, melted butter and 2 tbsp of the sugar, then press into base. Chill while you make the filling.

Divide cream cheese and cream evenly between 2 bowls. Add the white chocolate to one, and the milk chocolate, malt and remaining 3 tbsp sugar to the other.  Beat each with an electric whisk until smooth.

Spread the milk chocolate mixture evenly in the tin. Wipe round the edge to give a smooth edge. Spoon the white chocolate mix over the top and gently smooth. Decorate with Maltesers and chill for at least 5 hrs until firm.  Enjoy! 


In the tin ready for
chilling...

Individual cheesecakes
made with the leftover
mixture...

Adverts

The last thing you need when you're, let's face it, desperate for a baby of your own is to be bombarded with annoying adverts. I can just about cope with the numerous formula/baby food/nappy (delete as applicable) adverts but Clearblue Claire grates me, as does the lady with the stupid smile when she gets a positive OPK. Then you have stupid adverts like the McDonalds one or the property search one. What mother-to-be would be so easily forgiving of her other half turning up late to their baby scan just because he stopped off to buy a 99p McChicken sandwich?! As for the "pregnant" man dressed as a woman on the property advert, well it's just not funny!

Rant over!

"What Makes a Mother"

I came across this poem on the internet earlier, I thought it was lovely so wanted to share

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.  And prayed to God today.  I asked him what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby.  This we know is true.  But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in his voice.  I give many women babies.  When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.  And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this.  God, I want my baby here.  He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.  If you could see your child smile with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.  My Mommy loved me, oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson very quickly.  My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, oh so much, but I visit her each day.  When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here'. "

So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay.  Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through.  And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.  It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done.  They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one.

~Jennifer Wasik~

Back to basics

A side effect of taking Clomid is that it can thin your uterine lining, which in turn can hamper implantation of the embryo.  Dr "James" our Consultant told me to go in for a scan, on a Thursday, between cycle days 10-16 to check the thickness of mine, this happened to be this week on CD 14.  

As soon as I walked into the room he put me at ease, chatting away and sharing a joke, and I could feel the apprehension float away and I relaxed, which isn't easy to do when you're naked from the waist down with 2 "strangers" in the room!!  Whilst waiting for Dr "James" to start the scan I mentioned my "smiley" on CD 8 and asked if he could tell me if I had in fact ovulated or not.  Both he and the nurse said OPKs are not 100% reliable.  He carried out the scan and said although my uterine lining was slightly thinner than he'd like to see on that cycle day it wasn't a problem as it would thicken up once I'd ovulated.  That's right, I hadn't ovulated yet so the OPK had got it wrong!  He confirmed I had a few follicles on my left ovary but these were too small to release, and one (I think it was just one) on my right ovary which was "ripening" nicely and this is the ovary I'd ovulate from this cycle.  It was a huge relief that ovulation hadn't occurred yet so we hadn't missed our opportunity this cycle, and in Dr "James" words we're to "keep at it"!  Lol!

I mentioned that I'd received the letter with our next appointment date which isn't until July, he didn't seem concerned by this, but I think I'll try to get it brought forward to coincide with our last Clomid cycle.  I also told him that I only had enough Clomid for the next cycle so he gave me a prescription for some more.  As always his parting words were full of positivity for us and he said he hopes he doesn't see me again, I told him the feeling was mutual ;-) 

So, here we are now on CD 16 and no hint of a "smiley".  Yet I know I'm ovulating or about to as I have the OV pain, or Mittelschmerz as it's formally known, that I always get at ovulation.  So based on a false positive and now a false negative OPK, plus the 3 or 4 error symbols I've had on the OPKs this cycle, not forgetting the ridiculous cost of them I'm wondering if we should just go back to basics and forget about using them altogether.  Yes I'm a poas addict but, if we don't fall this cycle, would it really be that bad to "go it alone" next month?  Maybe it'll bring some spontaneity back into our love life, but equally maybe it'll drive me insane with not knowing for sure when things will happen.  I mean I know they're not 100% reliable, this cycle has more than proved that to me, but they give me a guide and when they do work they've been spot on.

The Wish bracelet

I totally forgot to mention this in a previous post, but the Wish bracelet I put on at Christmas fell off a few days ago.  Now I know I'm definitely not pregnant so, so much for it falling off when my wish had come true hmm!  A few ladies on my BC board said maybe it's a sign that we will get pregnant this month, but what with early smileys and then OPKs with error symbols, I'm sitting on the fence over how this cycle will go!

Oh and on another matter, received the letter with our next fertility appointment, 12th July 2012!! WTF!!  How can we stick to the "plan" if our next appointment isn't until July, 2 months after we're meant to be referred for IVF, assuming we don't get pregnant beforehand.  Going for a scan of my uterine lining tomorrow so will mention it and also ask how I'm to get my next lot of Clomid too if this is the case...

The day I'd been dreading

Yesterday was our EDD, and it came and went pretty much unnoticed.  Again, as with our Godson's first birthday, I think the anticipation of what it would be like was worse than the reality. 

Max has always maintained we mustn't dwell on it, and I know he's right, but over the months it's been so hard not to.  I know he's hurting too but he deals with it differently to me, he seems to file things away never to be thought of again.  Whereas I need to cry, I need to talk it over, that's how I deal with things that hurt and upset me, as my husband says I dwell on things.  I don't mean to, but until I work things out in my head, exhausting myself emotionally in the process, I can't settle and I can't move on.  Over the months I've shed so many tears that on the one day I expected to be really hurting, I was surprised I felt pretty much nothing.  Maybe I'd dealt with my emotions enough on Sunday after the party, or maybe they're still there waiting to erupt another time.  Either way, I ended yesterday feeling pretty positive about things and looking forward, which can only be a good thing.

Bittersweet day

Today is our Godson's first birthday, and the day before what would have been our due date. I spent most of this morning filled with apprehension of what his birthday party would be like surrounded by babies and people who all have children. Max says it does no good to dwell on what would have been, and I know this, but it's hard to forget about something so important to me. I'm not suggesting it's unimportant to my husband but he deals with things differently to me.

I shed a few tears on the journey there but managed to compose myself before we went into the house, my best friend hugged me and asked how I was, I mumbled ok, and she hugged me tighter then handed me a large glass of wine! Thankfully only her parents, sister, brother-in-law and 1 year old niece were there when we arrived so we weren't faced with a room full of babies straight away. Chatting to my friend's sister and playing with her little girl my fears about the day started to slip away, then in walked some friends we'd not seen for a while, the wife is 7 months pregnant. I said hello but was rooted to my seat, it was my protection, if I sit here then I won't be able to see her with her huge baby bump. Eventually I moved and went and had a chat with our pregnant friend, and it was fine, as I knew it would be. In fact the whole afternoon was fine, even if I couldn't join in the conversation at times, and was hugely aware of the fact we were the only childless couple there. I think in part, my ability to survive the afternoon was down to the type of people our friends are. Nothing needed to be said, just a look or a hug that acknowledged they appreciated our prescence and understood today would bring many thoughts to the fore for us. I think we just need to get past tomorrow then we can move forward, without meaning it to be, it's almost like a big rain cloud hanging over our heads.

CD 8 + smiley = WTF!!!

Well as the title says, I got a smiley on my digital OPK this morning, on cd 8!!!  How is that possible?!  I didn't take my last clomid tablet until cd 6, and whether it was an effect of the clomid or the chemical pregnancy only finished AF yesterday so not had a chance to bd yet :-( 

I posted on the Clomid board on BC and one of the ladies suggested that you should wait 3-5 days after last clomid tablet before testing in case the clomid effects them, but the OPKs say to test from cd 6 (I didn't, I started on cd 7 which was negative) and also says clomid has no effect on them....  I'm so confused, and so upset that we're going to be out of the running this month before it's even really started.  I know a smiley is supposed to give you up to a 48 hour window, but last month I had a negative OPK the day after the smiley and I know I'd ov'd the day of the smiley but at least we'd had a chance as it was later in the cycle.

This is typical, naturally I don't see ov until cd 22 at best, last month the clomid brought it forward to cd 16 and now cd 8, what's next month going to be cd 1...  :'-(

Fertility appointment

5th January 2012 - back to the hospital for our next appointment with the fertility Consultant whose name I can never remember, oops! We'll call him Dr "James" as that's his first name.  He asked how I'd got on with the clomid, so I explained I believed I'd had a chemical pregnancy, which he said was a positive thing although very upsetting. As it was happening I couldn't see that but I do agree with him, at least I'm getting pregnant now (3 times in 8 months after years of nothing!!)! He was pleased that my ovulation had come forward so much, and confirmed that my progesterone level from the day 21 bloods had come back 85, which he said was excellent. Apparently they like to see a level of 30 or higher, so very happy me and very happy Dr!

So, next step following this appointment, continue with Clomid and go in to have my uterine lining thickness checked sometime between cd 10-16.  If it's not thick enough then he will take me off Clomid (a clomid side effect is thinning of the uterine lining which can hamper implantation), but not sure what next step would be if he does need to make that decision.  Also need to go for the HSG that I had to cancel last month, though after a phone call today this will have to be next month now as they're fully booked...

Chemical pregnancy #2

I've been putting off writing this post, I'm not sure why... We survived the first round of Clomid, and we had a lovely Christmas even though it included the agonising 2WW, and a trip to the hospital for day 21 bloods to be taken. New Year's Eve (12dpo), I tested.   Now being a poas addict it wasn't the first of this cycle but it was certainly the first positive! Ok, so it was very faint but hubby saw the + straightaway so it was definitely not my imagination. Another faint positive and another, followed by 1-2 weeks on a CB digi... Trying desperately to remain calm and not get my hopes up that this could be it. Lots of messages shared with some ladies "in the know", and lots of crossed fingers. Then the cramps started and my boobs stopped hurting, a sure thing the old witch is on her way... A negative test... Lots of positive thoughts, symptoms count for nothing, it could have been a false negative, everything's going to work out this time.  It didn't.