Date nights

Max and I try to have a "date night" once a month.  This may seem strange given we don't really have any commitments or children to think about, but with work, renovating our house, seeing family and friends it's sometimes hard to fit in proper time for us.  This month we've managed to have two, in the same week no less!! 

We went for a meal on Valentine's Day, a day we don't celebrate and something we haven't done since the first year we were together (going out on Valentine's that is, not going for a meal!), which was lovely.  It kind of became a mini celebration for our pregnancy, we were both full of joy and chatting so much it took us ages to eat our dinner!

Saturday night we went to see The Muppets!  A programme Max and I both loved as kids so we thought why not rediscover our inner child.  The first part of the film was a bit slow but the actual "Muppet Show" part of the film was great, and we were both sitting there tapping our feet to the Mahna Mahna song!

We know that these times are to be treasured because come October a night out will be a rare treat, not that we'd change that for the World.

Dr's appointment

I saw the Dr on Tuesday evening (a locum as mine is on holiday, but she was nice), she's given me an EDD as 14th October which is 2 days after most online due date calculators and 2 days before mine! Obviously it's subject to change once I have a scan.

We went over my previous failed pregnancies and she said she'd note them on my referral to the hospital and request an earlier scan. She understood my concerns, and told me that what I'm feeling and not feeling is perfectly normal for this stage. She also said staying positive would help, so PMA all the way!  

Other than that she just went over the normal stuff about folic acid, eating healthy, gentle exercise etc. She gave me a form for free prescriptions etc and a copy of Emma's Diary with some vouchers for freebies (I like being pregnant, you get loads of free stuff lol!). Then we discussed hospitals, there are now a choice of 3 in our area, so I've opted to go to the one with the new midwifery lead unit as they have 3 birthing pools and I've ALWAYS wanted a water birth!

All in all a positive appointment I feel, and I took a digi HPT when I got home which is now reading 2-3 yay (never got past 1-2 with the other pregnancies) so all going in the right direction.  Just to have wait for for my appointment for a scan and booking in with the midwife, which from what I understand from the Dr, is now all done on the same day.  Hope I don't have to wait too long for my letter.

Two beautiful pink lines

Mummy and Daddy love you SO much already, please stay super sticky little one xxx

Taking it one day at a time

So, after being a downright misery all of last week and at the beginning of this week, and believing my lack of symptoms and numerous BFNs meant the old witch was on her way, it seems I was wrong...

A message from a friend on Baby Centre prompted me to take a test Tuesday evening (15dpo - the day AF was due) and low and behold there was a very faint line.  Straightaway I called for my husband to come up to the bathroom to check I wasn't imagining it, and yep, he could see it too!!  Totally shocked, no symptoms to speak of and yet here we both were standing in the bathroom staring at this faint line.  I should have guessed when one of our cats started avoiding me, which he's done every time I've had a BFP, it's like he can smell the hormones!!!

The next morning I tested again using an internet cheapie and the line was still really faint, but as Max pointed out what sort of quality did I expect when I paid £2 or £3 for 30 tests off eBay!!  He has a point.  So next came the Clearblue Digital test and up popped "pregnant 1-2", 1-2 being the number of weeks I am, although when the Dr dates this it'll be 3-4 weeks.  Confusing stuff, tried to explain the whole dating system to Max but he just couldn't fathom how I could be 2 weeks ahead of where I actually am.  In the end we left it as that's how it's worked out because most women don't know when they ovulate.

Anyhow, all of Wednesday at work was spent worrying as I started having AF type cramps, and the last time this happened is when I miscarried.  I felt nauseous most of the day but I think that was due to how nervous I was rather than anything else.

This morning (17dpo) I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep, I was wide awake and then my mind started wandering and worrying.  Eventually I drifted back to sleep after Max's alarm went off around 5.30, but then I had a horrible dream so as soon as my alarm went off an hour later I rushed to the bathroom and took another Clearblue Digital test.  It still showed "pregnant 1-2".  Again more cramps on and off throughout the day, numerous trips to the loo for "knicker watch", and analysing every twinge.

This evening, I suddenly felt really hungry and shaky, almost like I'd missed a meal or two so I'm putting that down as a symptom, to go with the now yucky taste in my mouth, even water doesn't taste too pleasant.

We're both very scared that things will go wrong again, but we're also hopeful that they won't.  Everything, so far, is very different, the lack of symptoms for a start and the fact I didn't get a positive until the day my period was due....  I have to keep dreaming, believing and thinking ahead... right now it's the only way I can stay positive... Max on the other hand is taking the bury his head in the sand approach.  No matter how we both deal with this, it's a case of one day at a time, or at moments, one hour at a time.  A lot of prayers sent heavenward and a lot of crossed fingers that this is the one we've been waiting so patiently for, our take home baby xxx

PMA nosediving

Today started off well but the more the day's progressed and the more I'm aware of my lack of symptoms, the more my pma is dropping.  It's days like this when I wonder if it's all worth it. 

I take Clomid, folic acid and EPO, Max is taking Maca and multi-vitamins including Zinc.  I live my life in cycle days.  I have a CBFM which, although I'm not currently using for ovulation, I use to tell me what day I'm on.  I have digi OPKs as well as normal ones so I can test twice a day to tell me when to expect ovulation.  I have an iPhone app to track my cycles.  I have a ticker on my Baby Centre profile again to tell me what cycle day I'm on.  I'm constantly analysing every twinge my body has, and never before have I been so interested in my cervical mucus.  I've switched to drinking Redbush tea because it's naturally caffeine free and caffeine is bad for TTC.  I religiously include foods in my diet that I would have maybe passed over before or just not eaten so much of.  Next month I'll be eating 2 kiwi fruit a day, I don't know why, just that I heard they were good when TTC.  I've banned oral sex during my fertile time because I read somewhere that saliva was bad for sperm, and foreplay is interrupted to ensure a healthy spray of Zestica (sperm friendly lube) is applied.  After making love Max shoves a pillow under my bottom and I hold my legs in the air for at least 15 minutes, how far removed from our pre trying to conceive days.  I bought a book to tell me how to get pregnant!  I've spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on all the above paraphernalia and I'm sitting here wondering if it's worth it, afterall we don't have our baby yet.

Believe me, I know I'm currently wallowing in a bath full of self pity, but right now it's a warm albeit slightly uncomfortable place to be.  I know there are many people out there who are experiencing far worse than we are; we are lucky to have jobs, family, friends, a house we own (well we will do in 16 years) and everything else we should be grateful for in our lives.  Just right now, none of that matters to me, all I want is a family of my own, to love and care for, to guide and teach, to tearily wave to them as they go into school for the first time, to watch grow, to make memories with, to worry about when they go off to university, to welcome back home when they're done studying, to wish them luck on their first day at work, to be introduced to the love of their life, to watch them get married and someday give their Dad and I grandchildren.  Surely that's not too much to ask?

Mothers' Day is coming up next month, it should be my first with our baby who should be a couple of weeks old by now.  Instead all I can hope for is that we'll be expecting by then; and of course I'll avoid Facebook for the day so I don't have to see all the Mum's gushing about what their children got them.  That seems selfish because I know if I was a Mum I'd be doing the same thing, but I'm not, and when you're not and it's the only thing you want, being reminded that you're not hurts, a lot.

I know we have our action plan with a view to an IVF referral in May if the Clomid's not successful, but that's just not soon enough for me.  I know I won't give up on our dream of becoming parents but right now it's hard for me to visualise being in this situation another few months and then having to start the, possibly long, IVF road.  I just wish someone could say to me "your next pregnancy WILL be healthy and viable and you WILL have a healthy baby on this date".

Tomorrow's another day and hopefully the pma will be back on track.