I've moved

I'm sorry I haven't written very much over the past couple of weeks, that's mainly because I've been concentrating on moving my blog to it's own website, click here.  I felt that I couldn't really do all that I wanted on this forum so looked at some other sites and made the decision to self host my own website eek!  It'll take time to get it 100% how I want it but I hope you'll bear with me, and keep reading.  

As of today I'll no longer be updating my blog here, so remember to bookmark and/or follow me on my new site http://diaryofayummymummyinwaiting.co.uk

Thanks for continuing to read my blog, I really appreciate all your support and love reading your comments.

Tee x

35

Here it is, the day I turn 35... how I've dreaded this day - being in my mid 30s and that much closer to 40 - but if I'm honest it doesn't feel any different to 34, or any other age in my adult life so far.  I still behave like an 18 year old at times and certainly don't feel like I'm 35, but what does 35 feel like?!  All I know is 35 seemed so far away when we started this journey, we were 28 and 29 then, and I imagined that we'd have 2, if not 3, children by now.  Funny how life works out.

I was hoping that I'd be writing this with news that I was pregnant, but no, a BFN for my birthday.  Obviously any BFP is going to be special but this one would have been extra special because my estimated due date would have been the third anniversary of my Dad's passing.  A baby born then would have given a new, positive focus to that day, especially if it was a boy...

As with everything on this journey, you just cannot plan things to your own timescale.  We see Dr "James" again this Thursday so it will be interesting to hear what he has to say about things now.  Originally the plan was to go for IVF if we weren't pregnant by May, but that was based on not having been pregnant at all.

Hopefully on my 36th birthday I'll be trying to update my blog whilst holding our baby in my arms, I couldn't think of a better present.

Looking back, moving forward

This time last year we were coming towards the end of our holiday in Canada with no idea that we had a stowaway on board.  I wish I could say I was writing this whilst looking at that stowaway but sadly it wasn't to be.  I can't believe that a year has past since we first fell pregnant. 

Looking back it would be easy to say we're no further forward in our quest to become parents, but I guess in some way we are.  We've had several appointments now with a fertility specialist, I'm on Clomid to shorten my cycles and we have our action plan.  However, nobody knew that there would be 3 further pregnancies all resulting in (early) miscarriage.  Our next appointment with Dr "James" is on the 24th May so not too much longer to wait, and I'm hoping and praying he'll have some idea as to why this keeps happening and get us fast tracked to further tests, assuming I'm not pregnant again by then.  Oh how I hope I will be pregnant, then I can speak to him about early scans and maybe get some proper care to hopefully avoid another loss.

Moving forward, I've just entered the 2WW of my first proper cycle following the miscarriage in February, and I feel strangely calm about things which is surprising considering I had a major panic over when I was ovulating these past few days.  Still, calm is good and long may that feeling continue.  Normally during the 2WW I turn into a crazed woman by about 8 dpo and have to get Max to hide any HPTs to stop me testing early, doesn't always work though and I'll either find them or just nip to Boots at lunchtime and buy another!!!  It would be doubly wonderful to get a BFP this cycle as it would be near my birthday, and after my last two birthdays being overshadowed by loss (my Dad's passing in 2010, and the loss of our first pregnancy in 2011), it would certainly be a happy birthday to have that kind of present.

I ask you all to keep everything crossed (except you ladies TTC, everything crossed but legs!!), and say a prayer that we get our hat trick with the Clomid but that this time it's with our take home baby.

Redundancy

So here I am again, facing redundancy.  I narrowly escaped it at the end of last year, but this time there's no way out.  My boss has done everything he possibly can to keep his company afloat but sadly the figures just don't add up.  To say I'm gutted is an understatement.  I love this job.

I've never worked anywhere like this before.  That's not to say I work in fancy offices with loads of company benefits or anything, but my boss is the best (as was his partner who sadly passed away 2 years ago, she became a good friend to me too) and I can't imagine ever finding another employer of the same ilk.  I'm a person with a life here, not an employee or a number.  The first job where I actually feel valued and am rewarded for my hard work too, not necessarily in monetary terms but with an extra day off here or there, a bouquet of flowers, being taken out for lunch, but yes in the good old days a nice bonus before going off on holiday and at Christmas.  Also, an employer that would do anything for you and never throw it back in your face.

When I had the first miscarriage I was nervous of telling D but he was great, and told me to have the time I needed.  I went back to work a couple of days later anyway, but this last time the Dr actually signed me off for a week.  That was no problem to D, if I needed more time than that then I was to take it.  He also sent me a bouquet of flowers saying how sorry he was for Max and I, sweet.  Attending hospital appointments are never an issue either, "you do what you have to do Tee, I don't need the details, just go"...and I'm never "allowed" to make the time up afterwards!  How many employers are like that eh?  My last job any appointments had to be made for out of work hours (how many hospitals give appointments before 8.30am or after 5.00pm?!) and if you did need to take time out for an appointment or came in late/left early because of it you made the time up.  It's things like that which are most valuable and that I'm going to miss.  Sure a nice fat bonus is great, but to be treated kindly, valued and to love the job you do is surely far more important.  This was meant to be the job I came back to after having children, it was meant to be my "forever" job...

3 weeks shy of my 35th birthday and not entirely sure what to do with my life.  If things had worked out, I'd have been on maternity leave now so the threat of losing my job possibly wouldn't have upset me so much.  I'd have had about 6 months to look for something else, and would have been looking for a part-time job, or possibly even managed to find some work to do from home.  Now, I have only a few weeks to find something before I join the thousands of unemployed people out there, and from my previous job searches when redundancy was threatened last November, I know there's not too many jobs about.

It's been one thing after another for the past two and a half years, I'm wondering who I need to have words with to get the universe to give me a break!!

Do I (hopefully) find another Office Manager job, do I go back into HR, or do I go for a complete change??  Anyone who can think of some great job ideas feel free to let me know.

Writing is therapy for the busy mind

I was a member of Baby Centre a good few years before I plucked up the courage to write a journal, but when I finally did I found it quite therapeutic. A few months later a friend said they were thinking of starting a blog focussing on their passion for food, sourcing it, cooking it, eating it... This got me thinking, maybe I would start a blog too, not because I had a passion like theirs but because I had a lot to say on a certain subject that has ruled my life for over 6 years now.  The fact I've always liked writing is just a bonus. I should have listened to my parents all those years ago and studied journalism... hindsight's a marvellous thing.

I created my blog.  As I typed out my first post, everything that'd been whirring round my mind for years came flowing out.  The hurt, the anger, the frustration, and the all too few joyous moments on this journey.  I sometimes forget I've only been blogging a few months, it feels like I've been doing it for years.  I couldn't imagine not blogging now, it's my therapy.