I've moved

I'm sorry I haven't written very much over the past couple of weeks, that's mainly because I've been concentrating on moving my blog to it's own website, click here.  I felt that I couldn't really do all that I wanted on this forum so looked at some other sites and made the decision to self host my own website eek!  It'll take time to get it 100% how I want it but I hope you'll bear with me, and keep reading.  

As of today I'll no longer be updating my blog here, so remember to bookmark and/or follow me on my new site http://diaryofayummymummyinwaiting.co.uk

Thanks for continuing to read my blog, I really appreciate all your support and love reading your comments.

Tee x

35

Here it is, the day I turn 35... how I've dreaded this day - being in my mid 30s and that much closer to 40 - but if I'm honest it doesn't feel any different to 34, or any other age in my adult life so far.  I still behave like an 18 year old at times and certainly don't feel like I'm 35, but what does 35 feel like?!  All I know is 35 seemed so far away when we started this journey, we were 28 and 29 then, and I imagined that we'd have 2, if not 3, children by now.  Funny how life works out.

I was hoping that I'd be writing this with news that I was pregnant, but no, a BFN for my birthday.  Obviously any BFP is going to be special but this one would have been extra special because my estimated due date would have been the third anniversary of my Dad's passing.  A baby born then would have given a new, positive focus to that day, especially if it was a boy...

As with everything on this journey, you just cannot plan things to your own timescale.  We see Dr "James" again this Thursday so it will be interesting to hear what he has to say about things now.  Originally the plan was to go for IVF if we weren't pregnant by May, but that was based on not having been pregnant at all.

Hopefully on my 36th birthday I'll be trying to update my blog whilst holding our baby in my arms, I couldn't think of a better present.

Looking back, moving forward

This time last year we were coming towards the end of our holiday in Canada with no idea that we had a stowaway on board.  I wish I could say I was writing this whilst looking at that stowaway but sadly it wasn't to be.  I can't believe that a year has past since we first fell pregnant. 

Looking back it would be easy to say we're no further forward in our quest to become parents, but I guess in some way we are.  We've had several appointments now with a fertility specialist, I'm on Clomid to shorten my cycles and we have our action plan.  However, nobody knew that there would be 3 further pregnancies all resulting in (early) miscarriage.  Our next appointment with Dr "James" is on the 24th May so not too much longer to wait, and I'm hoping and praying he'll have some idea as to why this keeps happening and get us fast tracked to further tests, assuming I'm not pregnant again by then.  Oh how I hope I will be pregnant, then I can speak to him about early scans and maybe get some proper care to hopefully avoid another loss.

Moving forward, I've just entered the 2WW of my first proper cycle following the miscarriage in February, and I feel strangely calm about things which is surprising considering I had a major panic over when I was ovulating these past few days.  Still, calm is good and long may that feeling continue.  Normally during the 2WW I turn into a crazed woman by about 8 dpo and have to get Max to hide any HPTs to stop me testing early, doesn't always work though and I'll either find them or just nip to Boots at lunchtime and buy another!!!  It would be doubly wonderful to get a BFP this cycle as it would be near my birthday, and after my last two birthdays being overshadowed by loss (my Dad's passing in 2010, and the loss of our first pregnancy in 2011), it would certainly be a happy birthday to have that kind of present.

I ask you all to keep everything crossed (except you ladies TTC, everything crossed but legs!!), and say a prayer that we get our hat trick with the Clomid but that this time it's with our take home baby.

Redundancy

So here I am again, facing redundancy.  I narrowly escaped it at the end of last year, but this time there's no way out.  My boss has done everything he possibly can to keep his company afloat but sadly the figures just don't add up.  To say I'm gutted is an understatement.  I love this job.

I've never worked anywhere like this before.  That's not to say I work in fancy offices with loads of company benefits or anything, but my boss is the best (as was his partner who sadly passed away 2 years ago, she became a good friend to me too) and I can't imagine ever finding another employer of the same ilk.  I'm a person with a life here, not an employee or a number.  The first job where I actually feel valued and am rewarded for my hard work too, not necessarily in monetary terms but with an extra day off here or there, a bouquet of flowers, being taken out for lunch, but yes in the good old days a nice bonus before going off on holiday and at Christmas.  Also, an employer that would do anything for you and never throw it back in your face.

When I had the first miscarriage I was nervous of telling D but he was great, and told me to have the time I needed.  I went back to work a couple of days later anyway, but this last time the Dr actually signed me off for a week.  That was no problem to D, if I needed more time than that then I was to take it.  He also sent me a bouquet of flowers saying how sorry he was for Max and I, sweet.  Attending hospital appointments are never an issue either, "you do what you have to do Tee, I don't need the details, just go"...and I'm never "allowed" to make the time up afterwards!  How many employers are like that eh?  My last job any appointments had to be made for out of work hours (how many hospitals give appointments before 8.30am or after 5.00pm?!) and if you did need to take time out for an appointment or came in late/left early because of it you made the time up.  It's things like that which are most valuable and that I'm going to miss.  Sure a nice fat bonus is great, but to be treated kindly, valued and to love the job you do is surely far more important.  This was meant to be the job I came back to after having children, it was meant to be my "forever" job...

3 weeks shy of my 35th birthday and not entirely sure what to do with my life.  If things had worked out, I'd have been on maternity leave now so the threat of losing my job possibly wouldn't have upset me so much.  I'd have had about 6 months to look for something else, and would have been looking for a part-time job, or possibly even managed to find some work to do from home.  Now, I have only a few weeks to find something before I join the thousands of unemployed people out there, and from my previous job searches when redundancy was threatened last November, I know there's not too many jobs about.

It's been one thing after another for the past two and a half years, I'm wondering who I need to have words with to get the universe to give me a break!!

Do I (hopefully) find another Office Manager job, do I go back into HR, or do I go for a complete change??  Anyone who can think of some great job ideas feel free to let me know.

Writing is therapy for the busy mind

I was a member of Baby Centre a good few years before I plucked up the courage to write a journal, but when I finally did I found it quite therapeutic. A few months later a friend said they were thinking of starting a blog focussing on their passion for food, sourcing it, cooking it, eating it... This got me thinking, maybe I would start a blog too, not because I had a passion like theirs but because I had a lot to say on a certain subject that has ruled my life for over 6 years now.  The fact I've always liked writing is just a bonus. I should have listened to my parents all those years ago and studied journalism... hindsight's a marvellous thing.

I created my blog.  As I typed out my first post, everything that'd been whirring round my mind for years came flowing out.  The hurt, the anger, the frustration, and the all too few joyous moments on this journey.  I sometimes forget I've only been blogging a few months, it feels like I've been doing it for years.  I couldn't imagine not blogging now, it's my therapy.

Infertile? Me?

"An infertile person, animal or plant cannot reproduce"

I've been writing and re-writing this blog post for the best part of two weeks now but just can't seem to find the words for what I want to say.  However, this week is National Infertility Awareness week so I guess it's kind of fitting that I post this now.  Maybe I'll come back to it in time and add more to it...

In my more naive days I believed infertile to mean one or other partner, or perhaps both, were incapable of conceiving a child naturally, or even with medical assistance.  I now know the term "infertile" encompasses more than that.  However, I have to say it doesn't sit comfortably with me in my feelings of our own situation - "unexplained infertility".

Max and I have had tests which show we're both hunky dory in the sperm vs egg department, and I definitely ovulate without assistance - yes I'm now on Clomid but to help shorten my cycles not make me ovulate.  We've fallen pregnant twice without any drugs, the fact it took us 5 years to get there and that those pregnancies didn't work out is now by the by.  In my mind, and I'm sure in Max's mind, we're not infertile.  We're a youngish couple that, for whatever reason, the time wasn't right for our baby before.

4 lost pregnancies - 2 pregnancies without medical intervention, 2 pregnancies with, but why does that make me infertile?  I CAN conceive, my body, for whatever reason, just decides to reject the pregnancies.  To label me, or indeed us, infertile makes me feel like there's no hope for us and that we'll be forced to carry that label through life. "Look there goes that couple, so sad, they're infertile you know, no children or grandchildren"....  Ok, that's probably highly unlikely to happen but during those down days, that's how I see it, and I guess to a degree it makes me feel ashamed and a failure, afterall having children is supposed to be one of the most natural things in life.  I know I have no need to feel that way but that's just how it is.  Then when the probing from well meaning acquaintences starts I wish I could just stand up and say "you know what, my husband and I are in the unexplained infertility category, might be lucky enough to have kids naturally, might not be, might need IVF, might not"... I don't know who would squirm more, me or them but I'm sure it would shut them up!! 

**sigh** I'm infertile, maybe accepting that is the first step towards a healthy pregnancy.... I can hope.

Vacation or Staycation?

After trawling the internet for holidays last month and whittling it down to a top 3 or 4, we may in fact be having a staycation.  It's not 100% definite, and I haven't told Max my idea yet, but I'm trying to think sensibly and save money (for once!) - my car seems to be on it's way out and will need replacing sooner rather than later; business for the company I work for isn't going great in this economic climate and given that I escaped redundancy last year, if things don't pick up I may not be so lucky this year; and of course I'm saving for when my maternity pay reduces to nothing (forward planning again!).

A "staycation" - a period in which an individual or family stays and relaxes at home, possibly taking day trips to area attractions - seems the way forward.  To be honest I hadn't even heard that term until last week and that's when it got me thinking....  Looking out the window at the rain, I'm thinking a "staycation" in May in the UK is never going to be the same as a week in a hot country, with warm waters and golden sand (why am I considering this?! oh yeh, I'm being sensible!), but our area alone has a lot to offer for days out over the course of a week.  Sadly not a golden beach, and highly unlikely to reach a temperature in the 30s, but lots of historical places to see, beautiful little villages, plenty of shopping (like I need more time to shop!), only 20 minutes into London by train, and of course would also allow us to spend quality time with our Godchildren.  It also means we don't need to cajole friends or family into cat sitting for us.  I'm definitely seeing the positives of this type of holiday, though as I gaze out the window at the rain again, it's a struggle not to rush home, grab my passport and head to the nearest airport in search of sunnier climbs.

Weather in blighty aside, I'm now thinking Hampton Court, Windsor Castle, the Natural History Museum, perhaps a mid-week show or concert instead of the pyramids at Giza, the Sphinx and so forth.... Planning hat firmly back on, and I'll update on whether the vacation or staycation wins in due course! 

Starting over, again

After what has felt like an eternity since the miscarriage, we find ourselves here again - starting over.  It gets harder every time, but no matter how hard this journey is, we won't ever give up on having our take home baby.  So, with that in mind, we now begin Clomid cycle number 3 - third time lucky perhaps?? 

So far we've had a 100% success rate at falling pregnant whilst taking Clomid, we just need to have 100% success in staying pregnant... If this cycle follows the previous two, I should be testing around when our next appointment with Dr "James" is due.  Obviously I'll be seeing him with good news and hoping that I'll be able to get early scans etc arranged through him rather than having to see the GP and then wait weeks before hearing anything from the hospital of our choice.  How's that for PMA and forward thinking eh!  If we don't have our BFP by then, well at least I can explain to him what's happened since our last appointment in January and hopefully still get put into place a system whereby I'm not left worrying and waiting weeks for a scan, before biting the bullet and paying for it myself. 

Also as we don't seem to have heard anything about the recurrent miscarriage appointment, maybe Dr "James" will be able to arrange any necessary tests or get the referral pushed through for us, or maybe just advise on what we/I should be doing or taking to help avoid another miscarriage...  I've read things about low progesterone (I've no idea if I have this) and being given Progesterone suppositories to help support the pregnancy; or taking low dose Aspirin but I'm certainly not going to self-medicate especially as I'm all too aware of what Aspirin can do to a person.  As always I'll be looking for answers.

So here we are, starting over, again...

Lemon and Poppy Seed cake

I think I've mentioned previously that I enjoy cooking, I find it therapeutic, especially baking.  I recently stumbled across a recipe for a Lemon and Poppy Seed cake which is delicious and moist, and won't last long once you taste it!  You should get 10-12 slices from this recipe.

50g poppy seeds
185ml warm milk
220g caster sugar
200g unsalted butter, softened
3 large eggs
300g self-raising flour
1 lemon, juiced and rind grated
300g icing sugar

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees (160 degrees fan oven).  Lightly grease a 20x10cm loaf pan (although I used a loose bottom round cake tin). 

Combine the poppy seeds and warm milk in a bowl and set aside.  Combine the caster sugar and 185g of the butter until light and fluffy.  Mix in the eggs.  Fold in the flour, alternating with the poppy seed and milk mix.  Finally stir in the lemon rind.

Pour the mixture into the pan and bake in the oven for about 40 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean. Turn onto a wire rack to cool.

Whilst the cake is cooling, melt the remaining butter and place in a bowl with the icing sugar and lemon juice, mix until smooth.  If the icing is too thick add some warm water, a tablespoon at a time, until the desired consistency is reached.  Drizzle the icing over the cake.  Enjoy!



Easter weekend

The long Easter weekend was very welcome for Max and I, the first time in a long time that we've had a lay-in and on 4 days in a row too!  Normally our cats would be knocking on the bedroom door (ok it's more a dragging the pads of their paws down the door but it's an irritating noise all the same) at 5.30am (the time Max gets up during the week for work) to remind us it's time for their breakfast, but even they took advantage of the long weekend and were quiet until gone 8am!

It was a busy but relaxed weekend - some shopping and gardening on Friday, a meal out for my brother's birthday Saturday evening after a day of housework, Sunday was spent at my cousin's seeing my Dad's side of the family most of whom I've not seen since Dad's funeral so was lovely to catch up with them, and Monday was a day of relaxation...

On Sunday I got to see my third cousin, now 2 and a half years old, who I'd not seen since she was a few weeks old.  A proper little girl now, shy at first but then was happily chatting away to anyone that would listen.  She asked me to help her with her sticker book, and later read her a bedtime story, although I read her three but didn't actually finish one!  Sitting in the armchair reading to her, I blocked out the room full of people and had a perfect image of reading a bedtime story to my own child/children some day.  It's moments like that which are so precious, that make me so happy but so sad at the same time.  I can't wait for Max and I to have those moments all the time.

Saracens vs Harlequins

My plans for Saturday had been to pop into our nearest town, go to the post office and bank, and to have a look for a couple of birthday presents.  My actual Saturday turned out to be a trip to Wembley Stadium to watch the rugby!...  Max had gone for a drink in our local Friday night, one of the regulars had a couple of tickets to watch Saracens vs Harlequins but due to his son being unwell he couldn't go, so he was giving his tickets away to anyone that wanted them, for free, and Max (and I) were the lucky recipients! 

So, mid-morning off we set for Wembley.  Thankfully, Mrs Organised that I am, I'd checked the trains after Max arrived home and thrust the tickets into my hand at gone midnight and worked out our route.  If I hadn't we'd have ended up on a 2 hour replacement bus journey to Marylebone before the train to the Stadium... instead we had a wonderfully smooth journey and now I know how easy it is to get there I'll be booking tickets to another event at the stadium/arena!

After a "pat down" for Max and a bag search for me we made our way up the escalators into the stadium and to our seats, which were definitely in the nosebleed section but hey they were free so we're not complaining!  I thought Max was being romantic, putting his arm around me, turns out he was just steadying himself after realising how high up we were and how steep it was!

As we sat waiting for the pre-match show, I couldn't help but notice how quiet and empty the stadium was, although it did fill up quickly just before kick-off (is that the correct term for rugby?!) and there was apparently a record crowd for a league match at a bit over 83,000 people!!  However, even with that number of people it remained pretty quiet, which suprised me, I thought the atmosphere would be much more intense... maybe people were too cold to get too excited (after the lovely weather last week it was a shock to the system for it to be sooo cold!), or maybe the situation in this country right now had an effect... who knows, all I know is I felt sorry for the Rock Choir, McFly and the London 2012 Ambassadors that were on before the match as nobody really clapped or cheered, or joined in with the Ambassadors requests.., what a miserable lot!!

The match started and I really didn't have a clue what was going on, constantly whispering to Max to explain what was happening!!  I knew what a scrum was and a try but that's my limit, so maybe not the best person to take to a big rugby match but I enjoyed myself nonetheless.  As Saracens are closest to where we live I supported them, though I have to say (if there's any Saracens fans reading this please don't shoot me, it's just my opinion) even with my limited knowledge of the game, I thought they played pretty poorly.  They didn't seem to get "stuck in" and really try or defend, so it wasn't surprising that the score ended as Saracens 19 - Harlequins 24. 

Would I go to a rugby match again, definitely!  We had a good day, it was something a bit different for us to go to, at least together anyway, and next time I'll remember my scarf and gloves...

Is this miscarriage finally over...

Apologies in advance for sharing tmi as usual, but hey if nobody talks about these things then how are others going through the same going to know what's "normal" or not...

I'm daring to believe that this last miscarriage is now actually over, nearly 5 weeks after it started.  Proper bleeding lasted about a week and since then it's been brown blood and so very light, but still enough to require a panty liner and make me feel "icky", but nothing since Tuesday afternoon!  It's been getting me down as I just didn't know how much longer it could go on for, and I just want to get my cycle back, well what passes for a cycle, so we can put this last loss behind us and move on. 

Max told me I should see the Dr if I was worried, but instead I turned to "Dr Google" for answers.  I haven't wanted to make a Drs appointment or call for my scan and blood results because that would have meant taking my head out of the sand and facing up to the fact that all may not be well.  Though surely if the results weren't good I'd have been summoned to the Drs by now??  However, now the bleeding's stopped I'm feeling a little better, in need of answers and looking forward to trying again.  I called the Drs, to be greeted by an automated message telling me to call back for results after 10.30am, so that means waiting 'til I get home this evening as I can't call from work and I know they never answer the phones at lunchtime pah!  I need to chase up on my referral for repeat miscarriages too.  I'm also debating whether I try to bring our next Fertility Clinic appointment forward to next month rather than waiting for mid May - Dr "James" gives me so much hope each time we've seen him; I know I could explain this last pregnancy and loss to him and he'd be sympathetic, honest, full of positivity for us, and draw up a new action plan - after all we know we can GET pregnant, it's STAYING pregnant that's the problem now....

So, my head is out of the sand and starting to whirr away with all it's usual TTC thoughts and plans.  Time to start looking forward again, sort my diet (it's been a definite see food diet these past few weeks and I know I've gained lbs) and lack of exercise out, and get back to feeling good about myself.  If I'm being totally honest, I also need to work on making things right again between Max and I because I know I've been very distant towards him these past weeks and shown him more spite than affection, I've also been a real lazy cow and barely done more than cook dinner and load/unload the dishwasher at home whilst he's working so hard on the house and garden.

Anyway, here's to closing this chapter and starting a new one...


**Update**  I managed a sneaky call to the Drs from the toilets and got my results, both blood test and scan were normal, yay!

Spotty teenager or old granny?!

My hormones are well and truly all over the place since the last miscarriage.  I have no idea what is going on with my cycle, I've had various niggles that I'd normally put down to OV but that doesn't seem to be the case now, and over the past couple of weeks my face, and even neck and chest, has gotten so spotty, more spots than I ever had as a teenager! 

Also, I've started finding grey hairs in amongst my natural brunette mane.  It seems for every spot I find, I discover a grey hair.  I'm guessing the grey hair is due to stress rather than hormones, but I'm not even 35 yet, I'm not ready to reach for the bottle of hair dye.  Ok that's probably a bit extreme at this stage, but I don't want grey hair!!  By the same token I don't want spots either!!  Hormones sort yourselves out, please...

Holiday planning

Max and I have been looking at holidays for the past week or so, well when I say Max and I, I actually mean me.  I'll do all the leg work, whittle it down to a selection of 3 or 4 then present him with said selection and see which one he choses.  I'll have already picked my favourite by then though and fed him with subliminal messages to make sure he picks the right one hehe... just like I did when we were looking at honeymoons, and with pretty much every holiday we've ever been on together!!!

After having a miscarriage following our holiday last year, I've been very worried about flying when possibly pregnant, but I've now decided (well we both agree) that life is far too short to put it on hold.  Yes I may be pregnant by the time we go away but by the same token I may not, and even if I am, after 4 losses and only one following flying, I have to keep in mind that the flight will have no bearing on the outcome.  Surely there are pregnant air hostesses cabin crew who do just fine...

So, where to go?  We definitely want a beach holiday to just totally relax after the stress of the past couple of years... Egypt, Morocco, the Canaries, Portugal... or maybe the Caribbean or Maldives (not sure Max would go that far for only a week's holiday even with me using all my best womanly charm to convince him!)... Wherever we choose, I can't wait to go!

Mothering Sunday

Today is Mother's Day in the UK, normally the day doesn't bother me but this should be my first Mother's Day, a day I have been looking forward to celebrating for years, but sadly our baby left too soon for me to be one of the Mummy's celebrating today with cards and flowers. As the months passed, I then was given the opportunity to look forward to today as a Mummy to be, but those opportunities too were taken away too soon.  Of course I've had a lovely day celebrating with my Mum but now I'm home it's hit me what should have been, especially having just logged on to Facebook to see pictures of a friend's baby boy who she gave birth to this morning.

Four chances to become a Mum this year but each taken away, I can only dream, hope and pray that next year I will have my own little reason to celebrate this day. As a wise lady just told me, "look to the sky tonight, I see pretty little stars", for those pretty little stars are my angel babies smiling down at me (and their daddy of course). 

My thoughts today are with all the mummies of angels, and with each and every lady fighting to become a mummy xxx

I feel numb

I don't know how else to describe how I feel, just numb.  There have been several BFP announcements over the past few days, and although I'm genuinely happy for the people concerned, I have no other feelings about it.  In the past if someone said they were pregnant, I'd congratulate them then run home and cry my eyes out that it wasn't me.  But nothing, no tears, no anger, no wishing it was me, no feelings whatsoever. 

Is that natural?  Am I shutting the door to how I really feel, only to have my feelings erupt at a later time?  Or am I just so used to my own disappointment and shed so many tears in the past that I no longer feel anything?

The Husband's birthday

Ok, I'm a day late in writing this but Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband for yesterday! xxx

He spent most of the day helping a friend move house, then in the evening we were to go for a meal with another couple but unfortunately the wife was ill so they had to cancel, and by the time Max got home he was shattered so we cancelled the restaurant (to be rearranged to a later date) and got a curry instead.  Some lagers for him and a mini bottle of champagne I've had in the fridge since New Year's for me, a yummy curry, great company, a comfy sofa and Saturday night TV, what more could a man ask for to celebrate his 36th birthday!!

Today we went for lunch with Max's family at a pub near my sister-in-law's.  I've never seen portion sizes like it, great value for money and the food was delicious, but omg huge portions!  I feel like I've eaten enough food this weekend to keep me going for the week, my diet definitely starts tomorrow!!

Scans

Wednesday evening I returned home from work to a thick envelope with a franking mark from the hospital, yep, my appointment letter and paperwork for the booking-in appointment with the Midwife and 12 week scan details.  A week after my first miscarriage I got the same letter, now nearly 2 weeks after this one I receive the appointment.  I can't believe how incompetent they are at updating records, and that it took them nearly 4 weeks to issue the letter after my first visit to the GP.


Friday, 9th March - Back from my follow up scan and blood test. Both ultrasound and transvaginal scan showed everything to be fine. Uterus, tubes and ovaries all as they should be, no cysts anywhere. Womb lining is 4.8mm, normal apparently.  I'm still bleeding slightly but as far as the Drs are concerned the miscarriage is complete. However, I'm still testing positive on the hpts with quite a strong line today so the Dr I saw is concerned and told me to go back to my GP, which I will do anyway as we'll need to discuss my bloods and the scan reports.  I guess the next step will depend on the outcome of those and what, if any, further tests I'll need prior to a repeat miscarriage appointment.  I feel in limbo now, we can't try again yet, part of me is "pleased" to have the break, but a part of me is panicking that we're losing time and I don't know what to do.  I feel like we're forever waiting for something, waiting for AF to show, waiting for OV, waiting for a BFP, waiting for appointments, waiting for our baby...

Why???

Why are we going through this heartache again?  Why us? Why, why, why???

As I hadn't heard anything from our hospital with details of my booking-in appointment or 12 week scan, because of our previous history, and because I had a bloody "show" albeit old blood, I booked a private scan for Saturday, 25th February to check how things were progressing.  I would be 6 weeks + 5 days then.

The afternoon of the 25th arrived, nervously we sat in the waiting room at the private clinic, emotions a mix of excitement and worry.  We waited and waited, eventually 40 minutes after our appointment time we were seen and given a half hearted apology for the delay.  The silence that filled the room was deafening, why wasn't the Sonographer saying anything?  Just as I turned to look at Max, the Sonographer said "I'm sorry" and turned the screen to face us.  She said I'd had what looked to be a complete miscarriage.  How can that be, I hadn't bled or had any pain...  All I could do was squeak a response to what she was saying, my husband sitting beside me with a look of disappointment and hurt.  The Sonographer continued the scan to check for an early ectopic but my tubes (and ovaries) were fine, she suggested it could be an ectopic in an unknown location and that I should contact my GP to have HCG beta tests.  She also said that I had a couple of cysts in my uterine lining and didn't know if these were significant or not.  Neither Max or I could say anything, we were left in stunned silence while she went to write up a report for me to give my GP.

A report for the GP, a leaflet on coping with miscarriage, a leaflet on my options for medical management and £90 poorer we left the clinic, I sobbed the entire way home.  It's not fair.

Yes I had the odd worry, and any slight pain would send me into a panic, but in general I was happy and carefree about this pregnancy.  It felt so different to the others, I felt positive that this was THE one, and although still early days with every passing day I felt more confident to start dreaming about pushchairs and names and the nursery decor.  How could my own instincts let me down so badly.

Saturday night I started spotting, and Sunday not much more, maybe my body needed to be told the baby had gone in order to miscarry.  Sunday evening it started properly.  I spent most of the next few days like a zombie, the only things I could do was cry or snap at Max, and he didn't deserve that.  As always he was there for me in every way, he carried on for both of us, cooked all the meals, cleaned the house amongst other things, I just sat on the sofa a prisoner to my thoughts.

I saw the Doctor on Tuesday afternoon, he was so apologetic for our loss and even more so when he found out how many losses we'd had and that we didn't already have children!  He gave me the forms for the HCG beta tests, arranged a scan for the following week to check everything's gone, and made a referral to a Gynae for recurrent miscarriage tests, he also signed me off work for a week.  Before I'd gone back to work within a couple days, but this time I NEEDED that time.  The rest of the week was emotional and tiring, and to top it off I pinched a nerve in my neck so spent most of it in agony from that as well, and then Max came home from work on Thursday to say someone had driven into the back of him and written off his van.  Thankfully nobody was hurt and it's a company van so he can still work.

Universe please give us a break!!!

Date nights

Max and I try to have a "date night" once a month.  This may seem strange given we don't really have any commitments or children to think about, but with work, renovating our house, seeing family and friends it's sometimes hard to fit in proper time for us.  This month we've managed to have two, in the same week no less!! 

We went for a meal on Valentine's Day, a day we don't celebrate and something we haven't done since the first year we were together (going out on Valentine's that is, not going for a meal!), which was lovely.  It kind of became a mini celebration for our pregnancy, we were both full of joy and chatting so much it took us ages to eat our dinner!

Saturday night we went to see The Muppets!  A programme Max and I both loved as kids so we thought why not rediscover our inner child.  The first part of the film was a bit slow but the actual "Muppet Show" part of the film was great, and we were both sitting there tapping our feet to the Mahna Mahna song!

We know that these times are to be treasured because come October a night out will be a rare treat, not that we'd change that for the World.

Dr's appointment

I saw the Dr on Tuesday evening (a locum as mine is on holiday, but she was nice), she's given me an EDD as 14th October which is 2 days after most online due date calculators and 2 days before mine! Obviously it's subject to change once I have a scan.

We went over my previous failed pregnancies and she said she'd note them on my referral to the hospital and request an earlier scan. She understood my concerns, and told me that what I'm feeling and not feeling is perfectly normal for this stage. She also said staying positive would help, so PMA all the way!  

Other than that she just went over the normal stuff about folic acid, eating healthy, gentle exercise etc. She gave me a form for free prescriptions etc and a copy of Emma's Diary with some vouchers for freebies (I like being pregnant, you get loads of free stuff lol!). Then we discussed hospitals, there are now a choice of 3 in our area, so I've opted to go to the one with the new midwifery lead unit as they have 3 birthing pools and I've ALWAYS wanted a water birth!

All in all a positive appointment I feel, and I took a digi HPT when I got home which is now reading 2-3 yay (never got past 1-2 with the other pregnancies) so all going in the right direction.  Just to have wait for for my appointment for a scan and booking in with the midwife, which from what I understand from the Dr, is now all done on the same day.  Hope I don't have to wait too long for my letter.

Two beautiful pink lines

Mummy and Daddy love you SO much already, please stay super sticky little one xxx

Taking it one day at a time

So, after being a downright misery all of last week and at the beginning of this week, and believing my lack of symptoms and numerous BFNs meant the old witch was on her way, it seems I was wrong...

A message from a friend on Baby Centre prompted me to take a test Tuesday evening (15dpo - the day AF was due) and low and behold there was a very faint line.  Straightaway I called for my husband to come up to the bathroom to check I wasn't imagining it, and yep, he could see it too!!  Totally shocked, no symptoms to speak of and yet here we both were standing in the bathroom staring at this faint line.  I should have guessed when one of our cats started avoiding me, which he's done every time I've had a BFP, it's like he can smell the hormones!!!

The next morning I tested again using an internet cheapie and the line was still really faint, but as Max pointed out what sort of quality did I expect when I paid £2 or £3 for 30 tests off eBay!!  He has a point.  So next came the Clearblue Digital test and up popped "pregnant 1-2", 1-2 being the number of weeks I am, although when the Dr dates this it'll be 3-4 weeks.  Confusing stuff, tried to explain the whole dating system to Max but he just couldn't fathom how I could be 2 weeks ahead of where I actually am.  In the end we left it as that's how it's worked out because most women don't know when they ovulate.

Anyhow, all of Wednesday at work was spent worrying as I started having AF type cramps, and the last time this happened is when I miscarried.  I felt nauseous most of the day but I think that was due to how nervous I was rather than anything else.

This morning (17dpo) I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep, I was wide awake and then my mind started wandering and worrying.  Eventually I drifted back to sleep after Max's alarm went off around 5.30, but then I had a horrible dream so as soon as my alarm went off an hour later I rushed to the bathroom and took another Clearblue Digital test.  It still showed "pregnant 1-2".  Again more cramps on and off throughout the day, numerous trips to the loo for "knicker watch", and analysing every twinge.

This evening, I suddenly felt really hungry and shaky, almost like I'd missed a meal or two so I'm putting that down as a symptom, to go with the now yucky taste in my mouth, even water doesn't taste too pleasant.

We're both very scared that things will go wrong again, but we're also hopeful that they won't.  Everything, so far, is very different, the lack of symptoms for a start and the fact I didn't get a positive until the day my period was due....  I have to keep dreaming, believing and thinking ahead... right now it's the only way I can stay positive... Max on the other hand is taking the bury his head in the sand approach.  No matter how we both deal with this, it's a case of one day at a time, or at moments, one hour at a time.  A lot of prayers sent heavenward and a lot of crossed fingers that this is the one we've been waiting so patiently for, our take home baby xxx

PMA nosediving

Today started off well but the more the day's progressed and the more I'm aware of my lack of symptoms, the more my pma is dropping.  It's days like this when I wonder if it's all worth it. 

I take Clomid, folic acid and EPO, Max is taking Maca and multi-vitamins including Zinc.  I live my life in cycle days.  I have a CBFM which, although I'm not currently using for ovulation, I use to tell me what day I'm on.  I have digi OPKs as well as normal ones so I can test twice a day to tell me when to expect ovulation.  I have an iPhone app to track my cycles.  I have a ticker on my Baby Centre profile again to tell me what cycle day I'm on.  I'm constantly analysing every twinge my body has, and never before have I been so interested in my cervical mucus.  I've switched to drinking Redbush tea because it's naturally caffeine free and caffeine is bad for TTC.  I religiously include foods in my diet that I would have maybe passed over before or just not eaten so much of.  Next month I'll be eating 2 kiwi fruit a day, I don't know why, just that I heard they were good when TTC.  I've banned oral sex during my fertile time because I read somewhere that saliva was bad for sperm, and foreplay is interrupted to ensure a healthy spray of Zestica (sperm friendly lube) is applied.  After making love Max shoves a pillow under my bottom and I hold my legs in the air for at least 15 minutes, how far removed from our pre trying to conceive days.  I bought a book to tell me how to get pregnant!  I've spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on all the above paraphernalia and I'm sitting here wondering if it's worth it, afterall we don't have our baby yet.

Believe me, I know I'm currently wallowing in a bath full of self pity, but right now it's a warm albeit slightly uncomfortable place to be.  I know there are many people out there who are experiencing far worse than we are; we are lucky to have jobs, family, friends, a house we own (well we will do in 16 years) and everything else we should be grateful for in our lives.  Just right now, none of that matters to me, all I want is a family of my own, to love and care for, to guide and teach, to tearily wave to them as they go into school for the first time, to watch grow, to make memories with, to worry about when they go off to university, to welcome back home when they're done studying, to wish them luck on their first day at work, to be introduced to the love of their life, to watch them get married and someday give their Dad and I grandchildren.  Surely that's not too much to ask?

Mothers' Day is coming up next month, it should be my first with our baby who should be a couple of weeks old by now.  Instead all I can hope for is that we'll be expecting by then; and of course I'll avoid Facebook for the day so I don't have to see all the Mum's gushing about what their children got them.  That seems selfish because I know if I was a Mum I'd be doing the same thing, but I'm not, and when you're not and it's the only thing you want, being reminded that you're not hurts, a lot.

I know we have our action plan with a view to an IVF referral in May if the Clomid's not successful, but that's just not soon enough for me.  I know I won't give up on our dream of becoming parents but right now it's hard for me to visualise being in this situation another few months and then having to start the, possibly long, IVF road.  I just wish someone could say to me "your next pregnancy WILL be healthy and viable and you WILL have a healthy baby on this date".

Tomorrow's another day and hopefully the pma will be back on track.  

8 days past ovulation

At 7 dpo I usually start my symptom spotting, but this cycle I've so far experienced none, not even sore boobs (no matter how much I prod them) which is unusual for me at this stage but maybe that in itself is a symptom??  But what is it about 8 dpo that turns me in to a woman possessed?!

I know that it's far too early for a positive pregnancy test and yet I still have to test.  Every cycle's the same, I tick along nicely then I reach 8 dpo and bam, something goes off in my brain and tells me I MUST test, and it's never first thing in the morning where there's a very minute chance it could be positive this early.  Oh no, it's when I get in from work, and even if there was a super slim chance, any of the hormone that would be present would have been flushed out when I went to the loo less than an hour before arriving home!  Tonight I stood in the bathroom with the test in my hand, telling myself "don't be so silly, you know it'll be negative" as I ripped open the packet which of course meant I had to use it otherwise it'd be a waste.

So here begins the poas frenzy until the witch shows up (please please please don't let her get me this time), all I can say is thank goodness for eBay and those internet cheapies!

A lovely day

On Saturday I met up with some of the lovely ladies from my Baby Centre board.  In some ways it was like going on a first date, not knowing what to wear, not knowing how we'd get on, would we recognise each other from our Facebook pictures, or would we be stood up!!  On the flip side it also felt like I was meeting up with old friends, we may not have seen each other face to face before but with the nature of the board we all know a lot about each other, the most intimate details of our lives. 

Nervously I walked to our meeting place, one of the other ladies was already there, I gave a smile thinking I hope this is who I'm meeting and not some random woman who now thinks she's got a nutter approaching her!  Thankfully I'd got it right!  One by one the ladies arrived and we went into the pub for a drink.  Being naturally shy I know I wasn't overly forthcoming with conversation but the conversation didn't stop, not just about TTC, in fact I don't think we really touched on that subject 'til we sat down to eat a few hours later!

I'd gone thinking we'd probably be out for a couple of hours, but it really was like catching up with old friends, and it was 5 hours later before we said our goodbyes!  I can't wait for the next meet up xx

Dad

I meant to post this on Friday, but I couldn't.  I couldn't clear my head enough to be able to write.

Friday, 27th January 2012 marked the second anniversary of Dad's death.  I can't believe it's 2 years already, the time has gone so fast, yet I can still remember that day like it was yesterday, in fact I can still remember the whole week from when Dad was admitted to hospital right up to that moment.  Although I try not to think about it, and try to remember only the good memories, I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Do you ever get over the death of a parent (or anyone you love so much)?  I can't say I have, but maybe it's still early days for me, or maybe it's something that you never get over but you learn to cope with...  For me, since Dad died, coping is not thinking about it.  I want to talk to Dad so much, it's probably one of the things I miss the most, our chats.  My husband says I should just talk to him in my head and that he does all the time especially if things are going wrong on a job at work, he'll ask my Dad for advice.  I have tried to but every time I get too upset and end up giving up on what I want to say, maybe in time this will get easier...

I had so much more I wanted to say on this post but I'm struggling to get my words out so I think I'll end here.

I miss you Dad xxx

Yum yum!

When I'm not obsessing about having a baby (pretty rare to be honest) I love to cook, especially baking and desserts so I thought I'd share a recipe for a dessert I made to take to my Mum's on Christmas Day.  If I can work out how to, I'll try to post a pic of it...  It's a dessert that if you like cheesecake, you'll love it, and if you like indulgent desserts, you'll love it.  Definitely no calories counted in this one!

Malt Chocolate Cheesecake

200g malted milk biscuits, crushed to crumbs

100g salted butter, melted

5 tbsp caster sugar

2 x 300g tubs full fat soft cheese (I used Philadelphia; if you use soft or cream cheese from a deli counter the cheesecake might not set)

300ml pot double cream

300g white chocolate, melted

200g bar milk chocolate, melted

2 tbsp malt or Horlicks powder

37g bag white Maltesers (I couldn't find any white Maltesers so substituted with giant chocolate buttons).

Line base and sides of a deep, 22-23cm loose-bottomed round tin with baking parchment. Mix the biscuits, melted butter and 2 tbsp of the sugar, then press into base. Chill while you make the filling.

Divide cream cheese and cream evenly between 2 bowls. Add the white chocolate to one, and the milk chocolate, malt and remaining 3 tbsp sugar to the other.  Beat each with an electric whisk until smooth.

Spread the milk chocolate mixture evenly in the tin. Wipe round the edge to give a smooth edge. Spoon the white chocolate mix over the top and gently smooth. Decorate with Maltesers and chill for at least 5 hrs until firm.  Enjoy! 


In the tin ready for
chilling...

Individual cheesecakes
made with the leftover
mixture...

Adverts

The last thing you need when you're, let's face it, desperate for a baby of your own is to be bombarded with annoying adverts. I can just about cope with the numerous formula/baby food/nappy (delete as applicable) adverts but Clearblue Claire grates me, as does the lady with the stupid smile when she gets a positive OPK. Then you have stupid adverts like the McDonalds one or the property search one. What mother-to-be would be so easily forgiving of her other half turning up late to their baby scan just because he stopped off to buy a 99p McChicken sandwich?! As for the "pregnant" man dressed as a woman on the property advert, well it's just not funny!

Rant over!

"What Makes a Mother"

I came across this poem on the internet earlier, I thought it was lovely so wanted to share

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.  And prayed to God today.  I asked him what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say

A Mother has a baby.  This we know is true.  But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in his voice.  I give many women babies.  When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.  And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this.  God, I want my baby here.  He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.  If you could see your child smile with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.  My Mommy loved me, oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson very quickly.  My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, oh so much, but I visit her each day.  When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here'. "

So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay.  Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through.  And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.  It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done.  They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one.

~Jennifer Wasik~

Back to basics

A side effect of taking Clomid is that it can thin your uterine lining, which in turn can hamper implantation of the embryo.  Dr "James" our Consultant told me to go in for a scan, on a Thursday, between cycle days 10-16 to check the thickness of mine, this happened to be this week on CD 14.  

As soon as I walked into the room he put me at ease, chatting away and sharing a joke, and I could feel the apprehension float away and I relaxed, which isn't easy to do when you're naked from the waist down with 2 "strangers" in the room!!  Whilst waiting for Dr "James" to start the scan I mentioned my "smiley" on CD 8 and asked if he could tell me if I had in fact ovulated or not.  Both he and the nurse said OPKs are not 100% reliable.  He carried out the scan and said although my uterine lining was slightly thinner than he'd like to see on that cycle day it wasn't a problem as it would thicken up once I'd ovulated.  That's right, I hadn't ovulated yet so the OPK had got it wrong!  He confirmed I had a few follicles on my left ovary but these were too small to release, and one (I think it was just one) on my right ovary which was "ripening" nicely and this is the ovary I'd ovulate from this cycle.  It was a huge relief that ovulation hadn't occurred yet so we hadn't missed our opportunity this cycle, and in Dr "James" words we're to "keep at it"!  Lol!

I mentioned that I'd received the letter with our next appointment date which isn't until July, he didn't seem concerned by this, but I think I'll try to get it brought forward to coincide with our last Clomid cycle.  I also told him that I only had enough Clomid for the next cycle so he gave me a prescription for some more.  As always his parting words were full of positivity for us and he said he hopes he doesn't see me again, I told him the feeling was mutual ;-) 

So, here we are now on CD 16 and no hint of a "smiley".  Yet I know I'm ovulating or about to as I have the OV pain, or Mittelschmerz as it's formally known, that I always get at ovulation.  So based on a false positive and now a false negative OPK, plus the 3 or 4 error symbols I've had on the OPKs this cycle, not forgetting the ridiculous cost of them I'm wondering if we should just go back to basics and forget about using them altogether.  Yes I'm a poas addict but, if we don't fall this cycle, would it really be that bad to "go it alone" next month?  Maybe it'll bring some spontaneity back into our love life, but equally maybe it'll drive me insane with not knowing for sure when things will happen.  I mean I know they're not 100% reliable, this cycle has more than proved that to me, but they give me a guide and when they do work they've been spot on.

The Wish bracelet

I totally forgot to mention this in a previous post, but the Wish bracelet I put on at Christmas fell off a few days ago.  Now I know I'm definitely not pregnant so, so much for it falling off when my wish had come true hmm!  A few ladies on my BC board said maybe it's a sign that we will get pregnant this month, but what with early smileys and then OPKs with error symbols, I'm sitting on the fence over how this cycle will go!

Oh and on another matter, received the letter with our next fertility appointment, 12th July 2012!! WTF!!  How can we stick to the "plan" if our next appointment isn't until July, 2 months after we're meant to be referred for IVF, assuming we don't get pregnant beforehand.  Going for a scan of my uterine lining tomorrow so will mention it and also ask how I'm to get my next lot of Clomid too if this is the case...

The day I'd been dreading

Yesterday was our EDD, and it came and went pretty much unnoticed.  Again, as with our Godson's first birthday, I think the anticipation of what it would be like was worse than the reality. 

Max has always maintained we mustn't dwell on it, and I know he's right, but over the months it's been so hard not to.  I know he's hurting too but he deals with it differently to me, he seems to file things away never to be thought of again.  Whereas I need to cry, I need to talk it over, that's how I deal with things that hurt and upset me, as my husband says I dwell on things.  I don't mean to, but until I work things out in my head, exhausting myself emotionally in the process, I can't settle and I can't move on.  Over the months I've shed so many tears that on the one day I expected to be really hurting, I was surprised I felt pretty much nothing.  Maybe I'd dealt with my emotions enough on Sunday after the party, or maybe they're still there waiting to erupt another time.  Either way, I ended yesterday feeling pretty positive about things and looking forward, which can only be a good thing.

Bittersweet day

Today is our Godson's first birthday, and the day before what would have been our due date. I spent most of this morning filled with apprehension of what his birthday party would be like surrounded by babies and people who all have children. Max says it does no good to dwell on what would have been, and I know this, but it's hard to forget about something so important to me. I'm not suggesting it's unimportant to my husband but he deals with things differently to me.

I shed a few tears on the journey there but managed to compose myself before we went into the house, my best friend hugged me and asked how I was, I mumbled ok, and she hugged me tighter then handed me a large glass of wine! Thankfully only her parents, sister, brother-in-law and 1 year old niece were there when we arrived so we weren't faced with a room full of babies straight away. Chatting to my friend's sister and playing with her little girl my fears about the day started to slip away, then in walked some friends we'd not seen for a while, the wife is 7 months pregnant. I said hello but was rooted to my seat, it was my protection, if I sit here then I won't be able to see her with her huge baby bump. Eventually I moved and went and had a chat with our pregnant friend, and it was fine, as I knew it would be. In fact the whole afternoon was fine, even if I couldn't join in the conversation at times, and was hugely aware of the fact we were the only childless couple there. I think in part, my ability to survive the afternoon was down to the type of people our friends are. Nothing needed to be said, just a look or a hug that acknowledged they appreciated our prescence and understood today would bring many thoughts to the fore for us. I think we just need to get past tomorrow then we can move forward, without meaning it to be, it's almost like a big rain cloud hanging over our heads.

CD 8 + smiley = WTF!!!

Well as the title says, I got a smiley on my digital OPK this morning, on cd 8!!!  How is that possible?!  I didn't take my last clomid tablet until cd 6, and whether it was an effect of the clomid or the chemical pregnancy only finished AF yesterday so not had a chance to bd yet :-( 

I posted on the Clomid board on BC and one of the ladies suggested that you should wait 3-5 days after last clomid tablet before testing in case the clomid effects them, but the OPKs say to test from cd 6 (I didn't, I started on cd 7 which was negative) and also says clomid has no effect on them....  I'm so confused, and so upset that we're going to be out of the running this month before it's even really started.  I know a smiley is supposed to give you up to a 48 hour window, but last month I had a negative OPK the day after the smiley and I know I'd ov'd the day of the smiley but at least we'd had a chance as it was later in the cycle.

This is typical, naturally I don't see ov until cd 22 at best, last month the clomid brought it forward to cd 16 and now cd 8, what's next month going to be cd 1...  :'-(

Fertility appointment

5th January 2012 - back to the hospital for our next appointment with the fertility Consultant whose name I can never remember, oops! We'll call him Dr "James" as that's his first name.  He asked how I'd got on with the clomid, so I explained I believed I'd had a chemical pregnancy, which he said was a positive thing although very upsetting. As it was happening I couldn't see that but I do agree with him, at least I'm getting pregnant now (3 times in 8 months after years of nothing!!)! He was pleased that my ovulation had come forward so much, and confirmed that my progesterone level from the day 21 bloods had come back 85, which he said was excellent. Apparently they like to see a level of 30 or higher, so very happy me and very happy Dr!

So, next step following this appointment, continue with Clomid and go in to have my uterine lining thickness checked sometime between cd 10-16.  If it's not thick enough then he will take me off Clomid (a clomid side effect is thinning of the uterine lining which can hamper implantation), but not sure what next step would be if he does need to make that decision.  Also need to go for the HSG that I had to cancel last month, though after a phone call today this will have to be next month now as they're fully booked...

Chemical pregnancy #2

I've been putting off writing this post, I'm not sure why... We survived the first round of Clomid, and we had a lovely Christmas even though it included the agonising 2WW, and a trip to the hospital for day 21 bloods to be taken. New Year's Eve (12dpo), I tested.   Now being a poas addict it wasn't the first of this cycle but it was certainly the first positive! Ok, so it was very faint but hubby saw the + straightaway so it was definitely not my imagination. Another faint positive and another, followed by 1-2 weeks on a CB digi... Trying desperately to remain calm and not get my hopes up that this could be it. Lots of messages shared with some ladies "in the know", and lots of crossed fingers. Then the cramps started and my boobs stopped hurting, a sure thing the old witch is on her way... A negative test... Lots of positive thoughts, symptoms count for nothing, it could have been a false negative, everything's going to work out this time.  It didn't.